You got a text from a mutual friend. Nothing alarming — just checking in, they said. Wanted to know how you’re doing. Mentioned, almost casually, that they’d run into your ex recently. That he seemed really sad. That maybe you’d want to know.
Or maybe it was your sister calling, voice careful, telling you that he reached out to her. That he’s changed. That she thinks you might be being a little hard on him. That she just wants you to think about it.
Something felt wrong. Something felt orchestrated. You couldn’t place exactly why, but the timing, the wording, the way everyone seemed to be on the same side — it left you disoriented in a way you couldn’t explain. Why is everyone suddenly defending him? Why do I feel like I’m being watched even when he’s not in the room?
There’s a term for what just happened. You encountered a flying monkey.
What Flying Monkeys Actually Are
The term comes from The Wizard of Oz — the winged monkeys who did the Wicked Witch’s bidding, carrying out her will and extending her reach into corners of Oz she couldn’t reach herself. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are the people a narcissist recruits — consciously or not — to act on their behalf.
They’re proxies. Messengers. Intel-gatherers. Sometimes advocates, sometimes enforcers.
Here’s the part that trips people up: not every flying monkey knows they’re playing that role. Some are true believers who genuinely think the narcissist has been wronged — they’ve only ever seen the charming version, and the story they’ve been told frames you as the problem. Some are being manipulated just as thoroughly as you were, fed a carefully curated narrative designed to produce exactly the result the narcissist wants.
Others are more knowing — people who are aware something is off but carry the message anyway, to keep the peace, to stay in the narcissist’s good graces.
The narcissist controls you by controlling information. By managing what others believe about you, about them, about what happened. Flying monkeys are how that narrative gets distributed. How the story they’ve told gets legs.
Why It Happens
Flying monkeys are part of a narcissist’s broader supply network — the web of relationships they maintain to stay resourced with attention, admiration, and control. Flying monkeys serve the narcissist’s supply network →
Isolation is one of the key tools in a narcissist’s arsenal, and flying monkeys serve multiple functions in that strategy. Some are sent to gather intelligence — to find out where you are, how you’re doing, whether you’ve moved on, whether you’re vulnerable to re-entry. Some are tasked with relaying messages, sometimes openly and sometimes wrapped inside a “just thought you should know.” Those messages are often hoovering attempts in disguise — a way to reach you when you’ve blocked direct contact.
Others participate in smear campaigns: spreading the narcissist’s version of events to mutual friends, family, coworkers — anyone whose perception matters to you. And some are used for triangulation: making sure you know that someone else is on his side. That you’re outnumbered. That you must be the problem.
Flying monkeys extend the narcissist’s reach into spaces you thought were safe.
6 Flying Monkey Scenarios (and How They Actually Show Up)
If any of these sound familiar, that recognition isn’t coincidence. That’s a pattern in motion:
1. The mutual friend who keeps “accidentally” passing along updates.
You haven’t reached out. You’ve been deliberate about that. But somehow, every few weeks, there’s a text from someone you both know — just wanted you to know he’s been going through a really hard time. Or: he mentioned you the other day, said he misses you. Or: I saw him and he looked awful. It’s always framed as neutral information, delivered with concern for you. What it actually is: a pipeline. You never asked for these updates. They’re not random — they’re targeted. And every time you respond, even to say “thanks for thinking of me,” you send a signal back through that same pipeline. That friend may not realize they’ve been recruited. But they have been.
2. The family member who insists you’re being too hard on them.
Maybe it’s your mom, maybe a sibling. Someone who loves you, who means well, who has absorbed the version of events that was hand-delivered to them. They call to check in and somehow the conversation turns to him — how he’s struggling, how he’s tried to reach out, how everyone makes mistakes and maybe you could find it in your heart. They’re not defending cruelty; they genuinely believe what they’ve been told. He’s worked the family angle carefully, presenting himself as brokenhearted and misunderstood. What your family member sees is a man in pain. What they didn’t see was what happened behind closed doors. That gap — between the public version and your lived experience — is exactly what he’s exploiting.
3. The person who shows up at your workplace or social event.
You kept things private. You told almost no one. And then someone shows up somewhere they don’t usually show up — a friend of a friend at your favorite coffee shop, a coworker who mentions they bumped into him recently, a face at a party that feels slightly too coincidental. There’s no confrontation, just presence. Just the sense of being watched in a space that was supposed to be yours. Narcissists are very good at using soft surveillance — keeping tabs through their network without ever appearing to check in themselves. Your sense that something is off? Trust it.
4. Someone who shares your private words back to the narcissist.
You vented to someone you trusted — a friend, a family member, maybe someone who seemed genuinely on your side. You said things you needed to say: how angry you were, how hurt, maybe things about what actually happened. And then somehow, those words got back to him. He texts you something that echoes what you said. Or you hear from someone else that he knows. The person who shared your words may not have thought of themselves as a flying monkey — they might have thought they were helping, trying to mediate. But information is leverage. And once it’s in his hands, it will be used.
5. The well-meaning person who encourages you to “hear them out one more time.”
You’ve said it’s over. You’ve been clear. And yet there’s someone in your circle — not malicious, probably genuinely kind — who keeps suggesting that maybe one conversation would bring closure. That you should give him a chance to explain. That you might feel better if you just heard him out. They don’t understand why you’ve gone no-contact. They think they’re helping you find peace. What they’re actually doing is softening your resolve on his behalf, carrying a message he probably seeded directly or indirectly: that you owe him a conversation. You don’t. And you don’t owe that person an explanation for why you know better.
6. An ex or acquaintance suddenly reaching out on behalf of the narcissist without saying so directly.
Someone you’ve barely spoken to in years sends you a friendly message out of nowhere. Just checking in, haven’t talked in a while, hope you’re doing well. The conversation is pleasant, catches up on life — and somewhere in there, your ex comes up. Oh, do you know him? I actually ran into him recently, he seems like he’s really changed. Or: I heard you two had a hard breakup. He seems to really care about you still. There’s no direct ask. Nothing you could point to as manipulation. Just a gentle opening, a door left slightly ajar. It’s not a coincidence. Somewhere, a conversation happened that you weren’t part of. And you’re not obligated to walk through that door.
Are Flying Monkeys Always Intentional?
This is one of the most important distinctions to understand — because if you assume every flying monkey is a knowing agent of harm, you’ll misplace a lot of anger and potentially lose people who were themselves being used.
There are essentially three types. True believers are people who genuinely believe the narcissist’s version of events. They don’t see the full picture — they’ve never been on the receiving end, they’ve only seen the public persona, and they’ve been fed a story that positions you as the difficult one. They’re carrying messages and running interference because they think they’re helping a person they care about. They’re being manipulated — just more softly and from a safer distance.
Passive enablers are people who sense something is off but choose to maintain the relationship with the narcissist anyway. They pass along information or smooth the path to re-entry because it’s easier than pushing back, because they want to keep the peace, because they don’t want the conflict that comes with taking a side.
Active agents know exactly what they’re doing. They’re invested in the narcissist’s version of events and are actively working on their behalf.
The key insight: the narcissist is responsible for recruiting and deploying flying monkeys. Most of them are not the enemy. Some deserve your empathy. Some deserve your distance. But the one who orchestrated all of it is the one to hold accountable.
What to Do When Flying Monkeys Show Up
1. Limit what you share with mutual contacts. You don’t have to be cold or accusatory. But until you know who in your shared social circle has been recruited, keep your personal life close. What you’re doing, where you’re living, how you’re feeling — none of that needs to pass through anyone who also has contact with him. What you tell mutual contacts, you’re essentially telling him. Treat every shared connection as a potential pipeline until you have reason to know otherwise.
2. Recognize a hoovering attempt when it arrives via a third party. If a flying monkey is relaying messages, pushing for a response, or trying to soften your no-contact, this is almost always a hoovering attempt in disguise. If a flying monkey is relaying messages for the narcissist, it’s often a hoovering attempt in disguise → Don’t engage with the message. The channel is irrelevant — the play is the same.
3. You are not obligated to explain yourself to flying monkeys. You don’t owe them the full story. You don’t have to make them understand, convince them of anything, or justify your choices. “I appreciate you reaching out, but I’m not in a place to discuss this” is a complete sentence. You can say less. You can say nothing.
4. Grey rock applies to flying monkeys too. If a flying monkey is someone you can’t easily distance from — a family member, a coworker, someone you’ll keep seeing — the grey rock approach works here exactly as it does with the narcissist directly. Short, flat, emotionally neutral. Nothing personal, nothing that can be relayed. Grey rock works with flying monkeys too →
5. When flying monkeys are family, you’re allowed to create distance without burning every bridge. You don’t have to have a confrontation. You don’t have to explain what flying monkeys are or accuse anyone of anything. You can simply be less available, share less, redirect conversations. “I’d rather not talk about him” is enough. You’re allowed to protect your healing without blowing up every relationship in your life.
Frequently Asked Questions
This is one of the most painful parts of narcissistic abuse — that the people you love can end up carrying water for someone who hurt you. It doesn't necessarily mean they're bad people. It usually means they've been given a version of events that positioned you as the problem, and they believe it. You can love someone and still limit what you share with them. You can maintain the relationship while protecting your information and your healing. You don't have to choose between them and yourself — but you do have to be honest with yourself about what's safe to share.
Usually, no — at least not right away. Telling someone they're a flying monkey almost always results in them defending the narcissist (they don't see it that way) and your words getting relayed back. If this is someone you're close to and you believe they're genuinely being manipulated rather than knowingly complicit, a calm conversation might eventually be worth it. But timing matters, and your energy matters. You're not responsible for waking everyone up. You're responsible for protecting yourself.
Because they haven't seen the treatment. The person they know is the public version — charming, warm, the one who was so devastated when you left. Narcissists are expert at separating their public and private faces. Flying monkeys genuinely believe the story they've been told. That doesn't make the impact of their actions less real. But it explains the loyalty that can feel so baffling from where you're standing.
Yes, especially if they eventually see behind the curtain — if the narcissist turns on them, or if they spend enough time watching the pattern. Some flying monkeys, especially close family, eventually come around and become genuine allies. But you can't force that awareness, and trying usually backfires. The most protective thing you can do is guard your information in the meantime.
Very normal. Flying monkeys are often the narcissist's response to being blocked from direct contact. When you go no-contact, you cut off one channel — so they use others. The surge of flying monkey activity after no-contact is actually a sign that the no-contact is working. It's escalation before eventual de-escalation. Hold the line.
You’re Not Alone in This.
The people he’s recruited don’t change what happened — and they don’t change what’s possible from here. The Narcbreak guides were written from inside this experience, for exactly where you are.
Start Here
Breaking Free: The Complete Guide to Leaving a Narcissist — $19
The eBook that walks through everything: the manipulation tactics, the supply network, and how to actually leave and start healing. Written for where you are right now.
What Do I Do Now?
Your First Year After Leaving a Narcissist — $19.99
Understanding the network is the beginning. The first year after leaving is its own kind of hard — this is your roadmap for it.
Best Value
Narcbreak Recovery Bundle — $29
Both guides together. The full arc from understanding what happened to actually healing from it.
Browse all guides at narcbreak.madethis.app/products
Narcbreak guides are available as instant digital downloads at narcbreak.madethis.app/products.